Whats wrong with me? I like someone who is much older than me (or so I thought since I dont know the exact number he is). More importantly, I found he is attractive since the day we first met. He is one of my company client. He talked to me in gentle way even I know he isnt gentle at all. He likes to make a joke and laughs like it was the funniest thing that he ever listened. And he is so tall, compared to mine. When we walked side by side, you could tell from a far it was father and daughter walking together haha.
I dont know why I think he is attractive. Im totally introvert. I dont like people invade my character, and he is the opposite of me. He talked to me alot, telling me what he does, his life, his stories, and many more. I just noded and shyly smiled responding his talk.
Or is it karma? I remembered back then, when he did the gentleman gesture to me and I talked to my friends telling them this story, I said "If he's single, I would definitely fall for him!" and so am I.
But I dont have the guts, because I know what did we do is just work related, nothing more. We just barely talk about work stuff, we never talked about anything else. There's no sign of us liking each other, its just one sided and it is me.
"Congratulations for your wedding!" a single status from my collegues makes me numb. Showing everyone who follows him, if the man that I like is getting married. Yeah, he's getting married to the woman that I dont know. Both of them showing a genuinely happy smile. I want to cry, but what was that for?
I am nothing to him and so does him to me. There is nothing between us. Just a little thing he did makes me feel I am someone special. Just a stupid thought that I had maybe he thinks I am special to him, meanwhile I am just one leaves in those trees. I am no different to the others, I am completely moron.
I tried so many times to type something to congratulate him, but nothing was sent. Is it my fault? Would be something different happened if he knows my feeling? Or is that what people called love? Or is that only likes? Or I am stupid calling its a special feeling?
I don't know.
Rabu, 22 Agustus 2018
I Don't Know
Selasa, 03 April 2018
As Long As I Remembered
0 years old
1 years old
2 years old
3 years old
4 years old
I remembered her as someone who cared-not-cared person. I didn’t remembered the reason why, but I stayed with her for a month, in the very remoted village.
The village called Lebak Herang (its very difficult to find it in Google Map), my grandpa always told me the story behind its name. About Lebak (river in Sundanese) which suddenly appeared in there and made people Herang (confused in Sundanese), and that’s why they called it Lebak Herang. There is also a river that my grandpa mentioned. It was a clear river. I used to play with some friends in that river in the afternoon, before she called me to take a bath.
I like when she cooked the rice while I was bathing and when the rice is done, she would spread it out in the basin. Waiting it for cooling down. And I remembered clearly, how the gas came out from the rice. It looked beautiful and hot. I like to pretend to catch the gas even though I know, gas can’t be catched.
Sometimes, I asked her to give me the hot rice to eat because I like the hot sensation from the rice in my mouth. Mostly, I mixed the hot rice with salt. Isn’t it salty? Of course, but to be honest it’s delicious.
She cooked another meal but sometimes I chose to eat with only salt or soysauce. It sounded pity, but that’s my memory.
5 years old
Her hot rice and salt was still my favorite dish when visiting her.
6 years old
7 years old
8 years old
When visiting her, she remembered me. But she called me with a different name. Agem, that’s what she called me. I just laughed. No one called me that. And I like it. It made me feel special.
9 years old
10 years old
She moved into my house. Well, actually it wasn’t my house. It was my grandpa’s. But I lived here because we sold our house due some circumstances that I didn’t want to understand.
She liked to cook anything. I like when she made a chips. It was delicious. Sometimes, when she visited us or my other nephew, she would bring the chips.
11 years old
She said I was like a worker because I ate a lot of food even though I didn’t have any activity to do.
12 years old
My parents divorced. She said I should accept it because it was for the best. My mom suffered a lot. I told her, I don’t care.
13 years old
She complained I ate a lot of food.
14 years old
15 years old
My mom, my sis, and I moved out from that house.
My mom liked to shop a lot. I complained to her about her shopping habit.
But she told me, it’s okay for my mom to shop a lot because it’s her money and it makes her happy. I should understand her. Her words made me think.
And it changed me a lot. It made me understand about everything my mom did even its contradict with me. She is an adult. She knew what’s best for her. She knew how she could find her happiness. Although its shopped or married again, it won’t matter. She needed to be happy. She deserved a happiness after long married suffering from my dad.
Thanks for her words.
16 years old
My grandpa died.
She left alone.
17 years old
She became weak.
18 years old
She lived with my aunt but I saw her like she was suffering.
She did all the chores even the cook.
Sometimes I want to take her out from that house, but she refused. She said she doesn’t want to leave my cousin who was still a toddler.
I took a visit.
The other time, she would visit us.
19 years old
She became worsen. She was so skinny even I can feel her bones. She often went to clinic to medical check up and found out she had hypertension.
Once a month I took a visit, or she visited us and stayed for few days.
I told her, she better lived with us, leave out my aunt and my cousin but she refused. She said, she felt pity for my cousin. Without her, they wouldn’t have a proper meal and living.
You’re so skinny grandma, you should eat more…
20 years old
Her hypertension caused bad effect for her sight. She got glaucoma and did the operation but it failed. She lost her sight, the left one. She said she could see with the right eye but not very clear.
She lost the sight of both of her eyes not long after the left one. As I read through online media, they said it’s impossible to cure glaucoma, even the operation won’t help.
Since then, she lived in different place for several times. Three months she lived with my aunt, two months with another aunt, one month with us, etc etc.
She was skinnier than before.
21 years old
She was much worst even she couldn’t walked properly. She needed help.
She couldn’t do anything like she used to. Sometimes I felt guilt if I remembered how ungrateful I was when she stayed in our home. She needed a lot of help for eating, walking to bathroom, and friend to talk. But I wasn’t there because I was busy doing my thesis.
Sometimes she called my name in the right one “Gemma”, when she wanted to do her thing in the bathroom. Mostly she called me when she felt the room was too hot for her, even I turned on the fan.
She only stayed for a month because there wasn’t anyone looking out for her here. My mom and sis worked. I should went to college and internshiped.
Sometimes I took a visit. But mostly I didn’t due my ‘busy’ ignorance work.
22 years old
Friday Night
I asked to my mom, how was she. She said she was okay, like usual. Because the night before I got a call from my cousin in law said she was in critical condition and my mom should go there immediately.
My mom went the next morning and in the night, she was brought to the near hospital because respiration problem. My mom asked me, would I go visit her tomorrow. I said yes.
Saturday Morning
Before went to college, my mom woke me up. She asked me again, would I go see her today. I said, I hope so.
Saturday Noon
I hesitated.
Saturday Afternoon
I decided to visit her. Somehow I was afraid if God suddenly took her away and I haven’t visited her in the hospital and I would regret it so much.
Saturday Night
Instead coming to the fashion show and meeting some friends, I went to the hospital. Seeing her in pain made my heart ache. She was so small and skinny. And yet, she needed a tube for breathing.
Sometimes she groaned and wanted to sit but she wasn’t allowed to sit. She was half conscious.
The doctor came and checked her condition and said she would be removed to ICU tomorrow.
I held her hands, I hoped she was be okay and her pain would gone soon.
Sunday Night
My mom came to visit her today and she said she didn’t respond like she did when I took a visit of her. She felt numb.
She haven’t moved to ICU because ICU was full. But then, they found a room in another hospital. They said they would take her there tomorrow.
Monday Morning
My mom woke me up. I moaned. It’s early morning and I needed to go to work at noon. But my mom’s words made me blank for a sec.
She is gone.
That’s what she said. I didn’t cry. I just sat on my bed quietly. Typing to my phone, informed my sis who was in her workplace.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
Sis, will you come home? She is died.
My mom hurriedly dressed up wearing black gamis (long dress) and I could see her eyes was red. She must be crying.
I took a bath and still felt unbelieveable. I won’t see her again.
Take a deep breath. Don’t cry.
After my mom went to her house to prepare all the funeral things, my sis came home. Her eyes also red.
Don’t cry.
I greeted the guest and the neighbor who came to her house. I smiled. They asked how did she die and my mom explained. She cried. I looked at my sis, she also cried.
I looked up to the ceiling.
Don’t cry. Yet.
Few hours later, her body arrived. I saw her soul-less body and cried.
I won’t see her again. She is gone forever. She would be buried soon. In the empty-nothing-but-darkness place alone. A-L-O-N-E.
I kissed her cheek, wishing the best pray that I had. Wishing the best place she would go after death. Wishing the best thing for her that I could mentioned.
I know it’s painful to let her go.
But at least, she is no longer in pain. She is in the peaceful place. Reuniting with my grandpa. I know she couldn’t live with him *winked*. Or so I thought.
Good bye, grandma.
Minggu, 18 Februari 2018
CountDown: VR
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| source: google |
Yasssssh.
I played VR!!! (Virtual Reality).
It was a very challenging and good game!!
Thanks my job, I was able to play all of them hahahahaa XD
There were four types of games.
The first one about being a sniper.
Someone who ride bicycle and should shot the target.
Then, being someone who has walking in a small board in the heightness(?).
And being someone who trapped in the cave full of zombies and seeking the way out.
My favorite? The one who walked in a small board.
It felt real.
I even screamed like the one in manga hahahaha.
I know it was silly but like I said, it felt real.
I want to play again.
CountDown: Bought Personal Stuff
I know it might seemed overreacted.
But for personal stuff, mostly, it has to be done by my mom.
So, I tried to do that because I can't depend on my mom.
But it failed.
The stuff I bought is too small for me.
LOLOLOL
CountDown: Bond Through Sins
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| source: google |
I know this is seemed wrong.
I am lack of confidence and I don't have ability to make friends with strangers.
I'm really bad in introduction.
And since I like yaoi, I got a lot of friends.
I don't know why, I feel like to be more open with myself and don't give a shit about what other people thought.
We're bond through sins.
Well, of course, I still can't be open like I'm in the yaoi account, in real life.
But, that account sometimes seemed more alive.
CountDown: Confession
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| source: tenor |
Yep.
I did confess. My feeling.
To a guy.
End of the story.
CountDown: Airplane and Bali
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| source: google |
I never travelled by airplane.
Because well yeah, its expensive. Then, in the afternoon I got assigned to Bali hahaha.
I know it's only one day trip. But at least I tried travelled by airplane.
And to BALI.
Hahaha.
CountDown: Resonation
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| source: giphy |
I met amazing people and they shared their stories and it's opened my mind about my future.
I learned that even you go down, your would be go up.
CountDown: First Snorkling Ever
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| source: giphy |
So, my sis community held an event to go to Tidung island. Since it was really cheap, I signed instantly with my fella, Kevin.
My sis asked me "are you really joining the trip?" I said, "yes". She replied "but you can't swim,". I told her "well, there is a lifeguard,".
 |
| source: mine |
And I'm understand why people like to snorkling. Because it was beautiful. And my fear was gone nowhere to be found.
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| me and kevin source: mine |
I want to go to sea again!
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| source: mine |
CountDown: Bar Bar Bar
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| source: dailydot |
Earlier, I already went to bar because an event. But I didn't ordered any alcohol drink since my friend is innocent and stuff (lol).
After work, my friends invited me to go bar. I said to them, I didn't bring any money since its old date (lol). But they insisted to pay me out so I couldnt resist.
Sabtu, 10 Februari 2018
CountDown: Wine, Wine, Wine
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| source: google |
The red wine. It was bitter, sour, and sweet. But the bitter was the strongest than other flavor. But it smell good.
The white one. Tasted the same like the red one. But sweeter. When it entered my mouth, it was sweet. Then it came bitter in my throat. It much better than the red wine.
CountDown: Night Club
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| source: google |
CountDown: Report Alert
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| source: tenor |
 |
| source: hipwee |
It was my first reporting without an event lolol.
CountDown: Reza Rahadian
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| reza rahadian as chairil anwar in chairil's women source: google |
CountDown: Jakarta Fashion Week
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| source: google |
CountDown: Real Work
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| source: google |
My mom was opposed to me because she wants me to be a teacher like her and my sister. But I don't want to. She can't interfere what I want in life, it's my life. I need to choose every thing that I want to choose. She let me choose my school, my university, but why she didnt let me choose my career?
It wasn't her fault that I chose education program, it was my choice. I chose it because I think about the future.
I was broadcasting student, I always want to be in media. But because of financial issue, I can't continue my study to university. So, I chose cheap university and took education program.
And God has a plan to me. He let me internship in media and made me want to continue pursuing my dream in media. And so here I am.
People kept saying, I am lucky because I could decide what I want to do, I could choose what career I want to pursue. I told them, it's not like you become a bad child for don't listen to your parents advice. But, it's your life. You have rights to say your opinions, to pursue your dreams. You are the one who live with it, not them. So you definitely have rights.
CountDown: Graduation
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| source: tenor |
I needed to find a job. I should earn my own money. Lol.
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| with my friends! (left to right: fathan, heni, meh, eka) |
CountDown: Asean Parade 50
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| source: google |
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| before parade |
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| parade!! as you can see, I was in the middle and lead them lol |
CountDown: Interviewed
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| source: google |
CountDown: Thesis
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| source: google |
CountDown: Big Bad Wolf
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| source: wikipedia |
CountDown: Internship
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| source: google |
My internship began when I turned 21, yep, it started on my birthday. They assigned me to parenting channel. At first, my job was only translated the article. But the next day, the editor asked me to attend one event.
In the invitation, the event started at 9 AM and I came at 11 AM. But luckily, the event was late because of course, the traffic and the flood around the city.