I Don't Know

Whats wrong with me? I like someone who is much older than me (or so I thought since I dont know the exact number he is). More importantly, I found he is attractive since the day we first met. He is one of my company client. He talked to me in gentle way even I know he isnt gentle at all. He likes to make a joke and laughs like it was the funniest thing that he ever listened. And he is so tall, compared to mine. When we walked side by side, you could tell from a far it was father and daughter walking together haha.
I dont know why I think he is attractive. Im totally introvert. I dont like people invade my character, and he is the opposite of me. He talked to me alot, telling me what he does, his life, his stories, and many more. I just noded and shyly smiled responding his talk.
Or is it karma? I remembered back then, when he did the gentleman gesture to me and I talked to my friends telling them this story, I said "If he's single, I would definitely fall for him!" and so am I.
But I dont have the guts, because I know what did we do is just work related, nothing more. We just barely talk about work stuff, we never talked about anything else. There's no sign of us liking each other, its just one sided and it is me.
"Congratulations for your wedding!" a single status from my collegues makes me numb. Showing everyone who follows him, if the man that I like is getting married. Yeah, he's getting married to the woman that I dont know. Both of them showing a genuinely happy smile. I want to cry, but what was that for?
I am nothing to him and so does him to me. There is nothing between us. Just a little thing he did makes me feel I am someone special. Just a stupid thought that I had maybe he thinks I am special to him, meanwhile I am just one leaves in those trees. I am no different to the others, I am completely moron.
I tried so many times to type something to congratulate him, but nothing was sent. Is it my fault? Would be something different happened if he knows my feeling? Or is that what people called love? Or is that only likes? Or I am stupid calling its a special feeling?
I don't know.

As Long As I Remembered

0 years old

1 years old

2 years old

3 years old

4 years old

I remembered her as someone who cared-not-cared person. I didn’t remembered the reason why, but I stayed with her for a month, in the very remoted village.

The village called Lebak Herang (its very difficult to find it in Google Map), my grandpa always told me the story behind its name. About Lebak (river in Sundanese) which suddenly appeared in there and made people Herang (confused in Sundanese), and that’s why they called it Lebak Herang. There is also a river that my grandpa mentioned. It was a clear river. I used to play with some friends in that river in the afternoon, before she called me to take a bath.

I like when she cooked the rice while I was bathing and when the rice is done, she would spread it out in the basin. Waiting it for cooling down. And I remembered clearly, how the gas came out from the rice. It looked beautiful and hot. I like to pretend to catch the gas even though I know, gas can’t be catched.

Sometimes, I asked her to give me the hot rice to eat because I like the hot sensation from the rice in my mouth. Mostly, I mixed the hot rice with salt. Isn’t it salty? Of course, but to be honest it’s delicious.

She cooked another meal but sometimes I chose to eat with only salt or soysauce. It sounded pity, but that’s my memory.

5 years old

Her hot rice and salt was still my favorite dish when visiting her.

6 years old

7 years old

8 years old

When visiting her, she remembered me. But she called me with a different name. Agem, that’s what she called me. I just laughed. No one called me that. And I like it. It made me feel special.

9 years old

10 years old

She moved into my house. Well, actually it wasn’t my house. It was my grandpa’s. But I lived here because we sold our house due some circumstances that I didn’t want to understand.

She liked to cook anything. I like when she made a chips. It was delicious. Sometimes, when she visited us or my other nephew, she would bring the chips.

11 years old

She said I was like a worker because I ate a lot of food even though I didn’t have any activity to do.

12 years old

My parents divorced. She said I should accept it because it was for the best. My mom suffered a lot. I told her, I don’t care.

13 years old

She complained I ate a lot of food.

14 years old

15 years old

My mom, my sis, and I moved out from that house.

My mom liked to shop a lot. I complained to her about her shopping habit.

But she told me, it’s okay for my mom to shop a lot because it’s her money and it makes her happy. I should understand her. Her words made me think.

And it changed me a lot. It made me understand about everything my mom did even its contradict with me. She is an adult. She knew what’s best for her. She knew how she could find her happiness. Although its shopped or married again, it won’t matter. She needed to be happy. She deserved a happiness after long married suffering from my dad.

Thanks for her words.

16 years old

My grandpa died.

She left alone.

17 years old

She became weak.

18 years old

She lived with my aunt but I saw her like she was suffering.

She did all the chores even the cook.

Sometimes I want to take her out from that house, but she refused. She said she doesn’t want to leave my cousin who was still a toddler.

I took a visit.

The other time, she would visit us.

19 years old

She became worsen. She was so skinny even I can feel her bones. She often went to clinic to medical check up and found out she had hypertension.

Once a month I took a visit, or she visited us and stayed for few days.

I told her, she better lived with us, leave out my aunt and my cousin but she refused. She said, she felt pity for my cousin. Without her, they wouldn’t have a proper meal and living.

You’re so skinny grandma, you should eat more…

20 years old

Her hypertension caused bad effect for her sight. She got glaucoma and did the operation but it failed. She lost her sight, the left one. She said she could see with the right eye but not very clear.

She lost the sight of both of her eyes not long after the left one. As I read through online media, they said it’s impossible to cure glaucoma, even the operation won’t help.

Since then, she lived in different place for several times. Three months she lived with my aunt, two months with another aunt, one month with us, etc etc.

She was skinnier than before.

21 years old

She was much worst even she couldn’t walked properly. She needed help.

She couldn’t do anything like she used to. Sometimes I felt guilt if I remembered how ungrateful I was when she stayed in our home. She needed a lot of help for eating, walking to bathroom, and friend to talk. But I wasn’t there because I was busy doing my thesis.

Sometimes she called my name in the right one “Gemma”, when she wanted to do her thing in the bathroom. Mostly she called me when she felt the room was too hot for her, even I turned on the fan.

She only stayed for a month because there wasn’t anyone looking out for her here. My mom and sis worked. I should went to college and internshiped.

Sometimes I took a visit. But mostly I didn’t due my ‘busy’ ignorance work.

22 years old

Friday Night

I asked to my mom, how was she. She said she was okay, like usual. Because the night before I got a call from my cousin in law said she was in critical condition and my mom should go there immediately.

My mom went the next morning and in the night, she was brought to the near hospital because respiration problem. My mom asked me, would I go visit her tomorrow. I said yes.

Saturday Morning

Before went to college, my mom woke me up. She asked me again, would I go see her today. I said, I hope so.

Saturday Noon

I hesitated.

Saturday Afternoon

I decided to visit her. Somehow I was afraid if God suddenly took her away and I haven’t visited her in the hospital and I would regret it so much.

Saturday Night

Instead coming to the fashion show and meeting some friends, I went to the hospital. Seeing her in pain made my heart ache. She was so small and skinny. And yet, she needed a tube for breathing.

Sometimes she groaned and wanted to sit but she wasn’t allowed to sit. She was half conscious.

The doctor came and checked her condition and said she would be removed to ICU tomorrow.

I held her hands, I hoped she was be okay and her pain would gone soon.

Sunday Night

My mom came to visit her today and she said she didn’t respond like she did when I took a visit of her. She felt numb.

She haven’t moved to ICU because ICU was full. But then, they found a room in another hospital. They said they would take her there tomorrow.

Monday Morning

My mom woke me up. I moaned. It’s early morning and I needed to go to work at noon. But my mom’s words made me blank for a sec.

She is gone.

That’s what she said. I didn’t cry. I just sat on my bed quietly. Typing to my phone, informed my sis who was in her workplace.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

Sis, will you come home? She is died.

My mom hurriedly dressed up wearing black gamis (long dress) and I could see her eyes was red. She must be crying.

I took a bath and still felt unbelieveable. I won’t see her again.

Take a deep breath. Don’t cry.

After my mom went to her house to prepare all the funeral things, my sis came home. Her eyes also red.

Don’t cry.

I greeted the guest and the neighbor who came to her house. I smiled. They asked how did she die and my mom explained. She cried. I looked at my sis, she also cried.

I looked up to the ceiling.

Don’t cry. Yet.

Few hours later, her body arrived. I saw her soul-less body and cried.

I won’t see her again. She is gone forever. She would be buried soon. In the empty-nothing-but-darkness place alone. A-L-O-N-E.

I kissed her cheek, wishing the best pray that I had. Wishing the best place she would go after death. Wishing the best thing for her that I could mentioned.

I know it’s painful to let her go.

But at least, she is no longer in pain. She is in the peaceful place. Reuniting with my grandpa. I know she couldn’t live with him *winked*. Or so I thought.

Good bye, grandma.

CountDown: VR

CountDown Twenty: VR

source: google

Yasssssh.
I played VR!!! (Virtual Reality).
It was a very challenging and good game!!
Thanks my job, I was able to play all of them hahahahaa XD
There were four types of games.
The first one about being a sniper.
Someone who ride bicycle and should shot the target.
Then, being someone who has walking in a small board in the heightness(?).
And being someone who trapped in the cave full of zombies and seeking the way out.
My favorite? The one who walked in a small board.
It felt real.
I even screamed like the one in manga hahahaha.
I know it was silly but like I said, it felt real.
I want to play again.

CountDown: Bought Personal Stuff

CountDown Nineteen: Bought Personal Stuff

I know it might seemed overreacted.
But for personal stuff, mostly, it has to be done by my mom.
So, I tried to do that because I can't depend on my mom.
But it failed.
The stuff I bought is too small for me.
LOLOLOL

CountDown: Bond Through Sins

CountDown Eighteen: Bond Through Sins

source: google

I know this is seemed wrong.
I am lack of confidence and I don't have ability to make friends with strangers.
I'm really bad in introduction.
And since I like yaoi, I got a lot of friends.
I don't know why, I feel like to be more open with myself and don't give a shit about what other people thought.
We're bond through sins.
Well, of course, I still can't be open like I'm in the yaoi account, in real life.
But, that account sometimes seemed more alive.

CountDown: Confession

CountDown Seventeen: Confession

source: tenor

Yep.
I did confess. My feeling.
To a guy.
End of the story.

CountDown: Airplane and Bali

CountDown Sixteen: Airplane and Bali

source: google

God always has a plan.
I never travelled by airplane.
Because well yeah, its expensive. Then, in the afternoon I got assigned to Bali hahaha.
I know it's only one day trip. But at least I tried travelled by airplane.
And to BALI.
Hahaha.

CountDown: Resonation

CountDown Fifteen: Resonation

source: giphy

So I was invited into women conference called Resonation. It was big event and really inspiring.
I met amazing people and they shared their stories and it's opened my mind about my future.
I learned that even you go down, your would be go up.

CountDown: First Snorkling Ever

CountDown Fourteen: First Snorkling Ever.

source: giphy

It was a huge step for me. Really. Huge. Since I can't swim for real. I often got jealous when my friends went to an island and did snorkling in the water. Like I said earlier, I can't fucking swim!
So, my sis community held an event to go to Tidung island. Since it was really cheap, I signed instantly with my fella, Kevin.

My sis asked me "are you really joining the trip?" I said, "yes". She replied "but you can't swim,". I told her "well, there is a lifeguard,".

She blinked can't believe I have a courage to do that haha.

As I predicted, she also joined the trip. It was my first time experiencing the boat and had a sea trip! Woohoooo!

We snorkling the next morning, at first, I was scared. Of course, who wouldn't! I kept thinking to myself, if I don't do it now, then when? I can't swim, yes, that's the fact. But they taught us who wouldn't snorkling before, how to take a breath, and stuff.

It was fun.

source: mine

And I jumped to the sea. For the first time in MY ENTIRE LIFE. I was scared that maybe I would be drown but when I looked down that was a beautiful reef in there.
And I'm understand why people like to snorkling. Because it was beautiful. And my fear was gone nowhere to be found.

me and kevin
source: mine

The feeling I wanted to do it more appeared. It was really fun. If I could go to there again, I definitely say I would.
I want to go to sea again!

source: mine

CountDown: Bar Bar Bar

CountDown Thirteen: Bar Bar Bar

source: dailydot

Well, this isn't A-Pink's song, Bar Bar Bar. But it was my experience to go to bar.
Earlier, I already went to bar because an event. But I didn't ordered any alcohol drink since my friend is innocent and stuff (lol).

After work, my friends invited me to go bar. I said to them, I didn't bring any money since its old date (lol). But they insisted to pay me out so I couldnt resist.

I ordered some mojito drink. I forget about the liquor, probably it's gin and they mixed it with lemon and mint. It tasted sour and bitter of course, and little bit hot when it arrived in my throat.

I didn't go home because we went back about 2 AM lol. And my sister was upset because I always came back home late at night. Well, it's my job sis. Especially when I have night agenda, can't help.

CountDown: Wine, Wine, Wine

CountDown Twelve: Wine, Wine, Wine

source: google

Of course, being a moslem alcohol is forbidden. But something forbidden is made someone want to do it lol.

So in one event, they served wine. The red and the white. It was not because I want to get drunk, but it was more like I was curious to taste it. I mean, why people drink it? Because it tastes good, delicious?

So, I asked my friend Elise if she drinks wine and she said yes. I told her if she drinks it, I want to take a sip because I'm curious about the taste.

-God in Heaven, forgive me-

She took one glass, and offered me to take a sip. I sipped.
The red wine. It was bitter, sour, and sweet. But the bitter was the strongest than other flavor. But it smell good.
The white one. Tasted the same like the red one. But sweeter. When it entered my mouth, it was sweet. Then it came bitter in my throat. It much better than the red wine.

Elise said "you should taste beer another time" lol

CountDown: Night Club

CountDown Eleven: Night Club

source: google

My friend Sarah knows if I really want to continue my degree abroad. Her friend invited her to come Erasmus Night Club, an event to let Indonesian youngster experience about night club in Netherlands.

I went there. And I don't know why I can't really enjoy it. Is it because I was with wrong person? Or I was too sober? Lol

CountDown: Report Alert

CountDown Ten: Report Alert

source: tenor

So one day, my editor asked me to go to Kampung 3D in Depok. I was little bit shocked because I heard the news on tv and internet, but I didn't know where is it.

So after attended one event, I went to there. Well, the place is a little bit far from the city. And it was a small village. The youngsters in there created the 3D pictures so people more aware about their safety on the road because there are a lot of children.

source: hipwee

But unfortunately, the goverment haven't supported them to make this place a tourist destination (it was November 2017 I dont know about it now).

It was my first reporting without an event lolol.

CountDown: Reza Rahadian

CountDown Nine: Reza Rahadian

reza rahadian as chairil anwar in chairil's women
source: google

What? What happen to him?

Well, he is one of Indonesian actor that I like. And I met him.

But I couldn't talked to him since I can't go near him.

And I don't know.

He is different from what I thought.

He is nice. Kind. Handsome.

Lol

CountDown: Jakarta Fashion Week

CountDown Eight: Jakarta Fashion Week 2018

source: google

Sooo, the fashion week that I ever came was Indonesia Fashion Week 2016. It's also because I was a volunteer there lol. And here I was. Jakarta Fashion Week 2018.

I attended as a media and I met a lot of people.

To be honest, it wasn't better than IFW 2016 that I attended. Seriously. I always thought JFW 2018 more exclusive, etc. But I don't know what happened to them.

Oh right, I talked to Barli Asmara lolol. He is one of my favorite designer. He is really cool. Unlike last year, I only took a picture with him, but now, I talked to him even though it's work related lol.

CountDown: Real Work

CountDown Seven: Real Work

source: google

People must said, it was pretty fast for me to get a job. But believe me, I was waited a job for three months, right after I finished my trial. People at that time, haven't worried about it yet. They started worried about getting a job after graduation (some friends were).

I worked at newspaper company. I wrote about lifestyle.

My mom was opposed to me because she wants me to be a teacher like her and my sister. But I don't want to. She can't interfere what I want in life, it's my life. I need to choose every thing that I want to choose. She let me choose my school, my university, but why she didnt let me choose my career?

It wasn't her fault that I chose education program, it was my choice. I chose it because I think about the future.

I was broadcasting student, I always want to be in media. But because of financial issue, I can't continue my study to university. So, I chose cheap university and took education program.

And God has a plan to me. He let me internship in media and made me want to continue pursuing my dream in media. And so here I am.

People kept saying, I am lucky because I could decide what I want to do, I could choose what career I want to pursue. I told them, it's not like you become a bad child for don't listen to your parents advice. But, it's your life. You have rights to say your opinions, to pursue your dreams. You are the one who live with it, not them. So you definitely have rights.

(if you want to know my first article, you could read in here)

CountDown: Graduation

Countdown Six: Graduation

source: tenor

Finally, after four years, I am graduated. Few days earlier, I thought about I didn't want to come because it's useless. And I was afraid of the future. I mean, I will enter the real world, the tough world. Why I do graduation thing instead I should find a job?

But once again, my mom wanted to see me graduated wearing toga and stuff.

It went smooth.

But I can't stop thinking about what should I do next.
I needed to find a job. I should earn my own money. Lol.

When people smiled and had fun, I thought "They don't worry about after this graduation thing?"

with my friends! (left to right: fathan, heni, meh, eka)

CountDown: Asean Parade 50

Countdown Five: Asean Parade 50

source: google

Since waiting for the next interview, I signed volunteer for Asean Parade 50. It was parade to celebrate Asean.

It was very cool event. I met a lot of new people.

My job was holding the board during the parade. I was assigned to assist Asean Women Circle, the community for Asean Ambassador's wives. We paraded from Monas to Hotel Indonesia. I was in the center of them lolol.

It was really exciting even though it was tiring.

before parade

parade!! as you can see, I was in the middle and lead them lol

CountDown: Interviewed

CountDown Four: Interviewed

source: google

Well, not long after I finished my thesis and trial. It was my loooong break before graduation day. I tried to apply job in every company. But of course, my mind concern is in media company. I want to work in media again.

I feel like it is a kind of job I want to do. I know it seemed wrong, since I took education program. Some people said I should become a teacher, not a journalist. But, I can't and I don't know if I want to. I want to do what I want. I want to live the choice that I choose.

So, I got interviewed in media company. They asked me if I like reading and I said, yes. They asked again about where should they put me in to. I told them I want to write about lifestyle.

When they called me again, they put me in economics major and I couldn't stand in the mean time. I knew nothing about economics and stuff. So I told them, I can't for now. I want to write about lifestyle.

I might thought that I was so stupid for rejecting the company. It was not like I didn't took a chance. I did. They did train me, but I wasn't ready yet to write about economics issue. I felt like Rebecca Bloomwood lol.

But I thought again, maybe it wasn't my luck.

CountDown: Thesis

CountDown Three: Thesis

source: google

So, I wrote thesis as it was requirement to graduate. I wrote thesis about Mythology in Percy Jackson and the Olympians since I'm interested in it.

Fortunately, I got my home lecturer to be my advisor lecturer. He also, my seminar lecturer.

It went not really smooth, but I finished on time to go to first trial.

I got inspiration about one student wrote about Mythology in Harry Potter. So, why wouldn't I wrote about Mythology in Percy Jackson since Percy Jackson story is inspired by Greek Myths?

That's my background lolol.

P.s. Never mind.

CountDown: Big Bad Wolf

CountDown Two: Big Bad Wolf

source: wikipedia

Last year, I went there alone. Yep, A-L-O-N-E. Crossed two provinces, spent three hours to go there and three hours to go back home. Spent less than one hour for looking novels that I'm looking for, and three hours for buying them in cashier. Lol. (read here).

So, this year I went there with my book fella, Ita. She really wanted to go there since I went there alone last year. We got VIP ticket for pre-sale BBW event. I thought we wouldn't experienced what I got last year. But it turned much worst.

We arrived there almost noon and found out there were already full of people. After spending time to look around for books, we decided to queue since it's already loong (the queue almost a half of the venue). We took a shift. She went looking for her book, I waited. She waited, I searched my book.

It took FOUR FUCKING HOURS to pay all of these books. I spent about 500K for my babies (I never spent this much for my babies). We were all hungry and stuff (of course, we came since noon).

But still, I didn't get Pride and Prejudice and Vampire Academy. Instead I bought Emma (which is I haven't read yet) and Sense and Sensibility (I haven't read it also).

For this year, possibly I would go there again.

CountDown: Internship

CountDown One: Internship.

source: google

Yep. I got internship in online media, Dream. You could tell by post when I was 20, when I passed the interview (you could read here). The interview I was mentioned is for internship position. I was signed for full time job, but they can't give me the chance because I haven't graduated yet. So they offered me internship job.

They asked me several questions about how do I like writing, and of course I like writing (lol).
My internship began when I turned  21, yep, it started on my birthday. They assigned me to parenting channel. At first, my job was only translated the article. But the next day, the editor asked me to attend one event.

That was my first event to report.

I remembered, it was raining and the road near my house was flooding. I was totally late.
In the invitation, the event started at 9 AM and I came at 11 AM. But luckily, the event was late because of course, the traffic and the flood around the city.

It was my first event and unforgettable haha.

And the next event I attended, went smoothly because I'm kinda used it. I met new people, got new information, that I could share to other people. It was thrilling.

Since internship, my thesis didn't have any progress because of course, I came home late and stuff and I didn't have time to write thesis. So, when my thesis about to step chapter IV, I quit.

I internshiped only two months and a half. It was really fun. The people in Dream were so nice and kind.

If I could go back to there, I would. Lolol

(just in case you want to read my article there lol)

CountDown: Prolog

So, I will turn into 22 this month. I would like to make a countdown about what I have achieved before I turn into 22.

Its not a special number, well since I've been doing this since last year. (You could see my post here).

So basically, since I will make 21 countdowns. Of course, its for my own self like its self reflection.

Did I change for good in a year? Or there is nothing different about myself.

Had my goal already achieved, or not?

Did I keep the same or not?

We'll see.

List:

CountDown One: Internship

CountDown Two: Big Bad Wolf

CountDown Three: Thesis

CountDown Four: Interviewed

CountDown Five: Asean Parade 50

CountDown Six: Graduation

CountDown Seven: Real Work

CountDown Eight: Jakarta Fashion Week

CountDown Nine: Reza Rahadian

CountDown Ten: Report Alert

CountDown Eleven: Night Club

CountDown Twelve: Wine, Wine, Wine

CountDown Thirteen: Bar, Bar, Bar

CountDown Fourteen: First Snorkling Ever

CountDown Fifteen: Resonation

CountDown Sixteen: Airplane and Bali

CountDown Seventeen: Confession

CountDown Eighteen: Bond Through Sins

CountDown Nineteen: Bought Personal Stuff

CountDown Twenty: VR

CountDown TwentyOne:

Bukan Cerita Disney!

Siapa yang tidak memimpikan pangeran-pangeran yang ada di cerita Disney? Atau tokoh pria dalam novel-novel percintaan seperti Mr Darcy, Christian Grey, ataupun Dmitri Belikov. Pria tampan, kaya raya, dipuja semua orang, meskipun memiliki sisi gelap tapi rela diubah demi sang pujaan hati. Tokoh imajinasi karangan penulis itu memang luar biasa hebatnya. Bayangkan, novel mana yang tokoh utama prianya biasa saja?! Semua rekomendasi wattpad bahkan dipenuhi oleh cerita cheesy pria tampan kaya raya dan wanita biasa. Masalahnya, dimana bisa menemukan pria tampan kaya raya yang mau dengan wanita biasa? Sekedar tukar kartu nama saja ogah, apalagi kencan! Jangan berharap.

Sedangkan yang pria tidak mau kalah, ingin wanita cantik layaknya artis seperti Raisa, Pevita Pearce, ataupun Isyana Sarasvati. Padahal, pria itu juga biasa-biasa saja. Pertanyaannya, apakah wanita cantik itu mau mendekat ketika melihat luar pria tersebut biasa-biasa saja? Lupakan soal yang penting hatinya yang cantik blablabla, kenyataannya orang melihat kita dari fisik dahulu baru kemudian mencari tau bagaimana karakter kita yang sebenarnya. Luarnya saja tidak menarik, gimana orang mau mencari tau?

Orang di abad 21 ini disuguhkan dengan kisah romansa layaknya cerita Disney yang membuat hal tersebut menjadi acuan dalam mencari pasangan. Harus tampanlah, kayalah, kerenlah, cantiklah. Padahal, apakah kita sudah intropeksi diri kita sendiri?

Sebuah pepatah pernah mengatakan, “orang yang baik akan mendapatkan jodoh yang baik juga,” lantas kalau kita menginginkan orang yang tampan, kaya, keren, setidaknya kita harus memiliki salah satu kriteria itu dong? Come on, face the reality. Pangeran William gak mungkin benar-benar tertarik dengan Kate Middleton kalau bukan karena parasnya yang cantik dan ia juga ada garis keturunan bangsawan. Setelah itu barulah ia ketahui sosok Kate yang sesungguhnya ternyata benar-benar sesuai dengan impiannya. Lalu, orang biasa aja berharap bisa mendapatkan cinta Christian Grey atau Raisa? Memangnya Anda udah ngapain?

Saya menulis begini karena jengah dengan isi sebuah aplikasi dating yang kebanyakan menulis “Chat yuk “no Zonk” atau yang artinya mengajak chat pribadi tapi hanya diperuntukan yang memiliki wajah yang oke, padahal belum tentu yang menulis post tersebut “No Zonk” juga.

Karena terlalu banyak novel, tayangan televisi, atau film yang terlalu menyuguhkan visual itulah, selera masyarakat menjadi tinggi. Bermimpi sih boleh saja kalau ingin punya pasangan yang blablabla, tapi Anda perlu usaha juga untuk meraihnya. Jangan pingin punya pacar cakep tapi Anda gak ngerawat tubuh Anda, pingin punya pacar kaya tapi Anda sendiri masih kere, pingin punya pacar bule tapi bahasa asing masih belepotan. Seperti kata saya tadi, lebih baik intropeksi diri dahulu. Apakah diri Anda sudah layak untuk mendapatkan pasangan impian Anda? Kalau belum, berubahlah menjadi lebih baik lagi. Ingin pacar cakep, rawat diri Anda dan sering-sering ke salon dan makeupan. Ingin pacar kaya, sering-sering nongkrong di tempat elit dan jadi sosialita (siapa tau anak pejabat nyantol). Ingin pacar bule, pergi ke luar negeri--jangan nungguin bule yang dateng liburan ke sini. Ingin punya pacar artis, mending cari link dulu buat masuk ke dunia sana (?) atau ya jadi sosialita.

Singkatnya, gak akan ada yang berubah kalau Anda ingin punya pasangan sempurna bak di cerita Disney kalau Anda diem aja sambil baca tulisan saya ini (lol).

5 Hal Yang Membuat Saya Bahagia

Dari beratus-ratus atau mungkin seribu (lol), buku yang saya pernah baca, banyak sekali tokoh yang mengatakan kalimat "Saya bahagia", "Saya merasa bahagia", atau "Saya sudah mendapatkan kebahagiaan". Padahal kalau dipikir-pikir, apa sih itu bahagia? Apa sih itu kebahagiaan? Bagaimana rasanya perasaan bahagia itu? Apa yang membuat orang bisa merasa bahagia?

Berdasarkan terjemahan mbah google, bahagia adalah sebuah kata sifat yang menggambarkan perasaan senang, puas, percaya diri, dan beruntung akan sesuatu.

Sedangkan kebahagiaan, adalah kondisi saat merasa bahagia.

Lalu apa yang bisa membuat orang merasa bahagia? Banyak hal dan tergantung pada pribadi masing-masing. Ada yang merasa bahagia karena memiliki seseorang yang ia perhatikan (baca:pasangan), ada juga yang merasa bahagia karena pizza (ya, pizza! Everyone loves pizza!), ada juga yang merasa bahagia ketika tujuannya tercapai. Dan untuk itu, saya akan menulis 5 hal yang bisa membuat saya bahagia.

1. Buku
Saya pecinta buku, entah itu buku bacaan seperti komik, novel, ataupun buku sejarah dan buku tulis.  Kenapa buku bacaan bisa membuat saya bahagia, karena buku bacaan kerap membuka mata saya pada hal-hal yang belum pernah saya rasakan, lihat, dan alami. Buku bacaan memberikan saya pengetahuan tidak hanya ilmu pengetahuan tapi juga rasa kemanusiaan dan pola pikir seseorang. Selain itu, buku tulis bisa membuat saya merasa aman karena saya kerap mendapatkan inspirasi di tempat yang tak terduga. Kalau boleh saya bilang, saya dan buku tulis tidak terpisahkan (BFF Forever!!!).

2. Langit
Saya suka memandang langit, apalagi langit biru dan langit penuh bintang (yang amat sekali jarang ditemui sekarang). Langit membuat perasaan saya tenang, damai, yang setara dengan perasaan bahagia karena telah bersyukur akan ciptaan Tuhan yang Maha Indah.

3. Tidak merasa sendiri
Saya suka sendirian. Kalau baca buku atau nonton film, saya kebih suka sendirian karena kalau ramai-ramai biasanya kurang fokus. Tapi meskipun begitu, saya tidak suka merasa sendiri. Perasaan merasa sendirian di dunia ini membuat saya takut dan kesepian. Manusia adalah makhluk sosial yang artinya tidak bisa hidup sendirian dan membutuhkan bantuan orang lain, dan itulah saya. Memiliki teman, keluarga, Tuhan, dan sesuatu yang saya sukai membuat kehadiran saya lebih berarti dan tidak merasa sendirian, dan itu membuat saya merasa bahagia.

4. Berguna bagi orang lain
Siapa yang tidak merasa bahagia ketika dirinya berguna untuk orang lain meskipun hal tersebut adalah hal yang sepele? Semisalnya, mendengarkan curhatan teman, menemaninya membeli sesuatu di mall. Perasaan ketika mendapatkan ucapan "terima kasih" ataupun seseorang bergantung kepada kita, adalah perasaan bahagia yang tidak bisa digambarkan. Artinya, sosok kita hadir di dunia ini memiliki arti, makna, dan tidak hanya tulang berbalut daging dan kulit yang dipenuhi sel-sel yang dialiri pembuluh darah belaka. Hidup kita berguna dan memiliki arti bagi orang lain!!

5. Dicintai
Jangan bohong, Anda pasti merasa bahagia ketika dicintai oleh seseorang. Itu artinya diri Anda memiliki nilai dan Anda dibutuhkan. Dicintai oleh keluarga, teman, dan pasangan. Uhh, memikirkannya saja tidak bisa terbayangkan bagaimana rasanya (haha).

Akhir kata, definisi bahagia menurut saya adalah sebuah perasaan yang membuat saya merasa senang, tenang, dan aman. Sebuah perasaan yang mampu membuat saya melupakan ketakutan yang saya miliki meskipun hanya sekejap. Apakah saya sudah merasa bahagia?

30 Fakta Tentang Saya!

Saya masih lucu sendiri dengan topik kali ini, 30 fakta tentang diri saya. Lol. Emangnya saya siapa xD

Yah, tapi yang merasa mengenal saya, apa yakin sudah tau fakta-fakta ini lolol (saya masih ngakak).

1. Saya lebih suka ke toko buku ketimbang ke toko baju.
Alasannya, karena harga baju lebih mahal daripada harga buku (lol). Buku berada di peringkat diatas baju dalam skala prioritas saya. Kalau ke toko baju, saya paling menghabiskan waktu 30menit, kalau di toko buku saya meluangkan waktu 3jam lol.

2. Saya lebih pintar menawar harga buku ketimbang harga pakaian.
Salah satu alasan saya malas belanja pakaian di tempat yang tidak mematok harga 'pas', karena saya tidak bisa menawar. Sedangkan untuk buku, jangan tanya. Saya bisa menawar 30buku (bekas) seharga 200ribuan lebih menjadi hanya 120ribu (haha, nawar sadis).

3. Koleksi buku saya lebih banyak ketimbang baju.
Kayaknya udah gak perlu dijelaskan lebih lanjut kenapa bisa begitu. Soalnya kalau beli buku saya langsung borongan, sedangkan baju? Haha, satu potong aja.

4. Seorang Barbz (nama fans Nicki Minaj).
Yaaa, saya seorang Barbz! Saya menyukainya sejak 2013 silam, saat seorang teman saya tergila-gila pada sang Ratu Rap itu dan akhirnya saya coba dengarkan lagunya yang berjudul Girl on Fire (featuring Alicia Keys) dan Right by My Side (featuring Chris Brown). Suaranya yang imut-imut dan rapnya yang enak didengar itu, bikin saya langsung kesengsem. Meskipun dia kalau foto suka rada kebuka gitu, tapi saya suka suaranya dia dan gak semua lagu dia berkonotasi negatif.

5. Seorang Otaku.
Ya, saya seorang manga dan otome otaku! Saya sudah menjadi manga otaku semenjak saya SMP dengan komik pertama saya yaitu Detective Conan dan menjadi otome otaku sejak tahun 2015 berkat My Forbidden Love (lol).

6. Saya juga Fujoshi.
Dulu, saya anti-yaoi. Dari SMK, teman-teman saya penyuka fanfic yaoi, tapi saya satu-satunya yang menolak genre tersebut. Saya selalu katakan, "ew" tiap kali mereka membahas fanfic yaoi. Tapi di akhir penghujung tahun 2016, ketika saya habis bahan bacaan, akhirnya saya melangkahkan kaki ke dunia terlarang (baca: yaoi). Saya ingin berhenti, tapi tidak bisa karena masih banyak cerita yang belum tamat (lolol). Tapi jangan memandang rendah yaoi maupun fujoshi. Berkat menjadi seorang fujoshi, saya banyak memiliki teman dari luar negeri.
"we are bond through sins".

7. Saya pengagum sejarah Jepang.
Bukan berarti saya gak mencintai negara sendiri, tapi sejarah Jepang itu lucu dan banyak diadaptasi ke manga dan otome. Tenang, saya juga tau kok sejarah Indonesia dari masa kerajaan dulu hingga sekarang (lol).

8. Dulu suka banget nulis genre Angst.
Jaman SMP-SMK adalah jaman-jamannya saya produktif nulis cerita yang mana kebanyakan adalah genre Angst. Saya juga gak ngerti kenapa saya dulu senang banget nulis genre itu lol Kalau sekarang, genrenya gak jelas xD

9. Punya blog satu lagi
Saya punya blog satu lagi, namanya omong kosong saya (di sini). Di blog itu saya fokuskan untuk mengulas segala kesukaan saya, entah buku, film, ataupun game. Yang jelas, semuanya sih omong kosong belaka lol. Mungkin rada gimana gitu sama nama blognya, tapi itu bukti bahwa yang saya tulis itu sebuah tulisan amatir yang kalau mau dibaca ya gak nguntungin, kalau gak dibaca juga hak ngerugiin layaknya sebuah omong kosong (haha).

10. Nama Alias, Gemma Jones.
Yang tau alamat email saya yang satu lagi pasti sering nanya, apasih Gemma Jones? Gemma si Jomblo Ngenes? Lol. Jones adalah nama surname dari otome pertama yang saya mainin. Semenjak dari situ, setiap kali saya main otome pasti saya menggunakan nama Gemma Jones termasuk untuk segala kehidupan otaku saya.

11. Bahasa beda, kepribadian beda juga.
Benar sekali suatu quote yang saya temukan tempo hari tentang orang yang menggunakan dua bahasa yang berbeda dan memiliki dua kepribadian yang berbeda pula berdasarkan bahasa tersebut. Dikarenakan terlalu sering 'menggila' dalam bahasa Inggris, rasanya aneh kalau saya 'menggila' menggunakan bahasa Indonesia. Gemma Jones (ver. bahasa Inggris) orang yang blatantly, witty, and fujoshi. Sedangkan Gemma F P (ver. bahasa Indonesia) orang yang beginilah, gak jelas lol.

12. Saya dulu seorang roleplayer.
Saya dulu roleplayernya Sandara Park ex-2NE1, Yoon DooJoon Highlight, Kang Daesung Big Bang, dan OC lainnya (yang tidak bisa saya sebutkan karena privacy lol). Saya terjun di dunia per-RPan dari tahun 2009 haha, waktu RP masih belom se-drama sekarang.

13. Pernah jadi seorang ELF (fans Super Junior).
Sebelum jadi Barbz, saya berkecimpung di dunia Kpop dan jatuh hati sama SuJu. Tapi semenjak Leeteuk wamil, saya jadi kurang merhatiin mereka. Ya gimana ya, Leeteuk bias (favorite) saya soalnya.

14. Saya lebih memilih gak tidur ketimbang kesiangan.
Sering banget kejadian kalau lagi musim ujian dan kebagian jadwalnya pagi.

15. Pernah masuk OSIS karena pengen ngejar (cintanya) kakak kelas.

16. Cita-cita saya dulu kepengin jadi penulis dan sutradara kayak Christopher Nolan lol.

17. Sutradara favorit saya Christopher Nolan sama Wes Anderson.

18. (katanya) saya orang yang supel. Gara-gara saya pernah cerita kalau saya suka sksd sama orang baru kenal sampe nginep di rumahnya segala lol. Tapi saya sulit terbuka sama orang lain.

19. Moody-an.

20. Punya koleksi 20 novel yang udah dibeli sejak tahun 2014 namun belom dibaca hingga sekarang. Bukan karena gak menarik novelnya, tapi belum ada mood buat baca.

21. Lebih suka nulis cerpen ketimbang cerpan ataupun novel.

22. Tahun depan usia saya 22 tahun.

23. Film P.S. I Love You adalah film paling cepat yang bikin saya nangis. Gerrard Butler ganteng banget.

24. Suka film Rom-com ketimbang Comedy.

25. Pingin keliling dunia suatu hari nanti.

26. Sering dikira cowok karena nama (baca ceritanya di sini).

27. Dulu karnivora, sekarang omnivora lol.

28. Suka jalan.

29. Demen nontonin Sex and The City (1998-2004) dan Avatar the Last Airbender.

30. Punya target untuk bikin perpustakaan komik dan novel.